• from rampant misogyny to â¬â¬â¬â¬â¬â¬questionablemedical advice, we count twenty vintage ads that would never see the light of day in themodern world! 15 – palmolive soap,• palmolive is a well-respected soaps and detergents company, but this short-sightedvintage ad shows they definitely don’t always get it right.• with a bold, generalisation about the sexes, the ad suggests that women need notbother with being clever. cleverness won’t help them fulfil their ambition in life: winninga man’s affections. according to the ad, men back then didn’t care about cleverness;they were only interested in women who were pretty.• so buy palmolive beauty products, ladies,
and lock down your very own douchebag.14 – chubettes clothing, • the bible tells of the first man and womanon earth, and this ad reveals how our culture’s very first eating disorders came to be.• is your daughter on the plump side? well, slap that twinkie out of her hand becauseshe can and should look as pretty as her slim friends. hey! i’m just reading what thead says. • chubettes make fashion for ‘plump girls’,as the ad so delicately puts it. their garments have ‘slenderising magic’ that are cleverlydesigned to minimise extra pounds. the slogan, which was no doubt conceptualised by a boardroom full of out-of-touch old men, promises that young girls can have ‘a tummy and stilllook yummy!’
13 – cocaine toothache drops,• do you suffer from debilitating toothaches? nowadays you can google your symptoms, which,after a half hour of false cancer diagnoses, usually leads to the most obvious conclusion:you need to visit your dentist. • but people in the 1950s didn’t havesmartphones, or search engines, or cat videos, so they often blindly followed the adviceof advertising. this ad by lloyd manufacturing company recommends toothache sufferers – especiallychildren – try a product called cocaine toothache drops. it costs only fifteen centsand, according to the ad, it is an instantaneous cure.• unmentioned side effects may include dilated pupils, chattering teeth and complete insanity.12 – antell hair products,
• apparently, in the 1950s, making lightof suicide in newspaper advertisements was as normal as smoking cigars for breakfast.• “if my hair looks such a mess one more night, i’ll kill myself!†this ad forhair products announces, mirroring the sentiments of women all across the country.• but wait, ladies! put down that noose, revolver and vial of poison because antellhave just the product for you! their formula 9 hair product will solve all your hair woes,so you can save your hilarious over-exaggerated suicide plans for a rainy day!11 – sega masturbation innuendo, • these nineties ads might explain why segais no longer in the console game. • the first is for their groundbreakingsega mega drive console. beside a hand gripping
a joystick reads the slogan ‘the more youplay with it, the harder it gets.’ i guess back then gaming was the pursuit of pimplybasement dwellers, so maybe an ad that awkwardly alludes to masturbation was a stroke of genius– pun intended. • the second ad, for sega’s game gearhandheld system, abandons all that subtlety for whatever the hell is going on here. riffingon the old wives’ tale that masturbation causes blindness, this ad promises that youcan ‘play with yourself for hours’ without going blind. the game gear will also fulfil‘all your wildest fantasies’. • as a fun bonus, there’s also this portraitof marital bliss from neo geo. 10 – motorola television,• this ad by motorola preys on the fact
that most parents are useless with new technology.• is jimmy being a total shitbag at home? is he running around breaking things and givingyou nothing but attitude? it could be all the cocaine toothache drops you’ve beengiving him, or it could be that your home doesn’t yet have a motorola television init! • this scientific-looking propaganda promisesthat children will be better behaved and achieve better grades if they spend lots of time parkedin front of the tv. if only motorola could’ve seen into the future. they caused this cultureof screen-addicted zombies! they’re basically skynet!• okay everyone, let’s break free of our electronic shackles. let’s forget the restof this countdown and go outside. on three,
okay? one … two … three … *long pause*did you do it? me neither. 9 – volkswagen,• some more casual sexism for your viewing pleasure. the 1950s were an embarrassing timefor civilisation, as this ad from volkswagen proves.• ‘women are soft and gentle, but they hit things,’ the ad reads. ‘if your wifehits something in a volkswagen, it doesn’t hurt you very much because vw parts are easyto replace!’ as you can see, the ad perpetuates a mean-spirited stereotype about female drivers,and presents it like it’s a simple fact of life.• come on, 1950s wives! i know there are pretty rings, shoes and coats in every storefront,but try to keep your eyes on the road!
8 – love’s baby soft,• set your faces to stunned! before there was honey boo-boo and ten-year-olds dressinglike high-end prostitutes, there was this eerily inappropriate ad from cosmetic companylove. • as the ad says, ‘innocence is sexierthan you think.’ if that’s true then don’t we all look stupid – paedophiles have beensaying that stuff for years! gross. 7 – del monte ketchup,• del monte ketchup’s 1953 ketchup ad played on the idea that women are too weakand helpless to open a simple bottle of ketchup. • the woman in this ad seems surprised anddelighted by the fact she’s managed to open this bottle. she’s probably thinking aboutall the ways this new condiment will improve
her sandwich-making skills.• ugh. terrible, antiquated ads like these need to disappear. it’s equally unfunnywhen the shoe’s on the other foot. gender stereotypes, like ditsy blondes and bumblingclueless dads, need to be abolished! 6 – chase and sanborn coffee,• before fifty shades of grey made this sort of thing cool, chase and sanborn coffeeran an ad promoting the solid family values of the time.• ‘if your husband ever finds out you’re not “store-testing†for fresher coffee… if he discovers you’re still taking chances on getting flat, stale coffee … woebe unto you!†• the woman’s terrified expression inthe woman’s eyes would’ve inspired hundreds
of women to reassess their choice of coffee.if domestic abuse was an acceptable response to flat coffee i hate to think what hypothetical1950s husband would do if his wifey came home with a smashed up volkswagen …5 – drummond sweaters, schlitz beer and kenwood chef,• these ads have been lumped together to show how prevalent sexism was in the 1950sand ’60s. • this ad for drummond sweaters wastes notime in announcing that ‘men are better than women’. it goes on to say that womenare useful – even pleasant – indoors, but ‘something of a drag’ outdoors. here’shoping this woman pushed these two jokers off the nearest cliff.• the ad for schlitz beer isn’t much better,
with another depiction of female incompetence.this woman has obviously burnt her husband’s dinner, but the man, in his supreme generosity,jokes that ‘at least she didn’t burn the beer!’ i guess she’s lucky she’s notmarried to the guy from the coffee ad … • finally, the ad for the kenwood chef boaststhat it does everything but cook – because that’s what wives are for. hahahaha-haaarrrrrr…!(or embed tidus laugh – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h47ow4_cmk0&safe=active) 4 – tipalet cigarettes,• this ad for tipalet cigarettes ran in the late 1960s. the product itself is somesort of cigar/q-tip hybrid with all sorts of flavoured scents.• apparently if you ‘blow in her face’ she’ll ‘follow you anywhere’.• weird and lazy innuendo aside, that’s
just rude. you don’t see female-centricads saying ‘spit your chewing gum wads in his face! it’ll drive him wild!’3 – 7-up, • this disturbing ad for 7-up soft drinkboasts that the company has the youngest customers in the business. in the print it says thatthe boy depicted is eleven months old, but he isn’t their youngest customer by anymeans! • ‘7-up is so pure, so wholesome, youcan even give it to babies and feel good about it!’• the sheer irresponsibility of these marketing guys makes me want to paint their windscreensin 7-up-flavoured barf. maybe they’re in cahoots with healthcare providers becausewe all know it should read ‘nothing rots
your teeth and gives you diabetes like 7-up!’2 – camels cigarettes, • the first step on the agenda for thiscamels cigarette ad’s is to win your trust. “see this doctor? he’s one of the busiestmen in town. while his door may say office hours two to four, he’s actually on calltwenty-four hours a day. the doctor is a scientist, a diplomat, and a friendly sympathetic humanbeing all in oneâ€. • so far it reads like an ad for medicalschool … let’s read on: “according to a recent nationwide survey: more doctors smokecamels than any other cigarette!†oh, there we go. nearly 114,000 were surveyed and themajority’s favourite ticket to lung cancer was – you guessed it – camels!• the ad goes on to say you should disregard
any health concerns and trust something calledyour ‘t-zone’ because that’s your proving ground for any cigarette. the ad itself seemsunsure, but it believes ‘t-zone’ stands for your throat and sense of taste.• this ad ran from 1940 to 1949 and was a response to nationwide concerns that inhalingsmoke every day wasn’t the best thing for you. it features extreme emotional manipulationand plays on the blind trust we place in men with stethoscopes.1 – fairbank fairy soap, • this reprehensible ad from the n. k. fairbankcompany depicts a caucasian child asking her scruffy, shoeless african-american acquaintancewhy her mama doesn’t wash her with fairy soap. the implication being the dark-skinnedcharacter is ‘dirty’ for not using this
product.• obviously this uncomfortable ad comes from a very different era, when divisionsbetween blacks and whites were commonplace. • what i like about this ad is the littleblack girl looks like she wants to push this little bitch in the mud for being so rude.and you know what? doing so would be completely justified.